The Space Between Goodbye and Hello
by DeynaAU
Summary: This is a multi-chapter story about key moments in Rayna and Deacon's relationship between the time she sent him to his 4th stay in rehab until they finished their concept album. These moments during those intervening years helped them to know that their loved still burned bright.
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: The characters belong to Callie Khouri and NashvilleCMT. I'm just borrowing them.

A/N: In my AU world, episodes S5E8 – 11 of NashvilleCMT do not exist and Rayna lives on. I am new to fanfic. Let me know what you think. Enjoy!

It was finally finished and Rayna was proud of what she and Deacon had created. The concept album was done and it stood as a testament and celebration of their love. Bucky wanted it desperately to be a commercial hit, Highway 65 needed it to be, but it didn't really matter to her. It was their truth and it was cathartic to delve into her past with Deacon, to once and for all go there and put those memories behind them so that they could move forward and make new ones together as husband and wife, as a family. It hadn't been easy to revisit some of those dark places, but there were good times too that stirred memories of joy and peace and a love so profound that goodbye was just a hiccup in time until the next hello.

She sat here today at peace, fulfilled, her love actualized. Her life and love with Deacon has been and likely will continue to be, far from perfect, but she knows without a shadow of a doubt that he's the one for her. He's her heart and soul and at the center of her creative process. She's seen him grow immensely since that first time she laid eyes on him when he was a brash guitar slinger at 19. She's grown, too. She's learned to trust and be vulnerable and to love fully thanks to him. To have his strength in her life every day and have him be a father to her daughters is a blessing.

Today she is at peace and feels loved, but she can't help but think one last time about how they got from goodbye to hello.


	2. 2001

"I don't wanna do this. I don't wanna be like this babe."

She choked back tears. She needed to be firm. He couldn't fight her. "I know. I know you hurt, hon. I know you want to be a better man and I believe you can be. But the only way to do this is to lick this thing. You have to get sober and stay sober, Deacon. We can't keep living like this. _I_ can't keep living like this. This _isn't_ living. I love you. I can't bear to see you like this."

It ripped him apart to hear her say this, but he knew she was speaking the truth.

He knew she was right. "I'll go."

Rayna, her hands shaking, her voice trembling, made the all too familiar call to send him once again to rehab with the hope that this time would be _the_ time. _The_ time he would get clean. _The_ time he would return as her brilliant guitar player, sensitive lover and confidante.

Coleman was on his way to pick him up. While they waited, they clung to each other like two drowning victims clinging to life. She caressed his face and ran her fingers gently through his hair. He sobbed uncontrollably and pulled her closer. They leaned into each other until they tasted each other's tears.

"Hey, Cole," Rayna greeted her lifelong friend and Deacon's sponsor, Coleman Carlisle. He caught her eye and without a word said he got it from here.

"Deacon. Let's get you some help, buddy. Rayna, I think it would be best that I take Deacon myself. You stay here. You look like you could use some sleep."

"I'm sorry, babe," Deacon said to her for the umpteenth, and last time, that day. "You'll be here when I come back, right? I don't have any right to expect you to, but I need you to be here. I can't live without you, babe. Please baby, tell me you'll be here."

Rayna couldn't answer him. She loved him, but seeing him like this again, having to let him go again, was shredding her heart. Maybe like Coleman said, the best thing was for her to let Deacon go. Maybe she was his addiction. Maybe the only way he was going to get better was if he didn't have her as a safety net.

She loved him. God she loved him. He wasn't always like this and when he wasn't drinking he was her rock, her north star. He was the kindest man she knew. He was a genius on guitar. He made her better. Without him there wouldn't be a Rayna Jaymes. He would do anything for her – but he couldn't get sober for her.

She embraced him, her tears mixing with his. She simply said, "Goodbye, Deacon. I love you." And with that simple statement she exited his life, but never his heart. She lost faith that this time would be _the_ time.

When he was released 90 days later, he went looking for her. Cole tried to tell him that Rayna was engaged to Teddy and pregnant, but he couldn't - wouldn't – believe it. He loved her and she surely loved him. He knew he screwed up, but she had faith in him. She had to.

Rayna wanted to be there for him. She was still crying herself to sleep every night. But the fact was she left him to give her daughter a better life, a stable life and she had that with Teddy. Teddy was a good man. So what if she loved another in her heart of hearts. She could love Teddy, too.

Deacon tried to hold it together, but when he came to the realization that Rayna was gone, he gave up hope and tried once more to find consolation and strength in the bottom of a bottle.

Rayna was torn when she heard that he went to that dark place again. She wanted to go to him, to help lift him, to give him strength. But again, Coleman advised her to give him space. She felt obliged to help somehow, after all she loved him. She convinced Cole to get him into rehab again. She would pay. Maybe knowing that his world outside of rehab has changed will help him get sober and set a new path for himself.


	3. 2002

Maddie came into the world kicking and screaming. When they laid her in Rayna's arms, she was filled with the fierce love a mother bear has for her cub. Her daughter was perfect. She was overjoyed, yet at the same time consumed with sadness so deep and so all-encompassing it caused an unbearable pain in her heart. Looking at her daughter, it didn't take a paternity test to tell her she was Deacon's. That deep furrow in her brow and her full lips were all him. She knew that every time she looked at her daughter, she would be reminded that she belonged to another and was testament to a love that could never be broken.

"She's beautiful, Rayna. She has your eyes and your lungs!"

"Thanks, babe. For everything," she said appreciatively and quietly, filled with remorse that Deacon was not the one sharing this moment with her.

"Thank you for our daughter," Teddy responded, truly grateful for his wife and baby. But, at the same time he had a nagging feeling that neither were really his.

She looked lovingly at Teddy. She could see that his heart swelled at the sight of their daughter. She couldn't have asked for a better man. He was solid, kind, generous. He would be the perfect father for Maddie. Whether he was Maddie's biological father or not, made no never mind, Teddy was ready to raise her up. He loved Rayna unconditionally and he would love Maddie. She had no doubt of that.

Rayna was straight with him from the start. She didn't know who fathered the baby. In her heart, she believed it was Deacon's, but after witnessing him drinking again and ransacking his place, she decided she couldn't bring a child into that. She wanted to tell him. Thought maybe telling him might be just what he needed to get sober and make it stick, but Tandy put a rest to those thoughts. She scared her and forced her to see Deacon's dark side and the potential for continued and escalated violence.

So, she stopped seeing him and confessed to Teddy that she was pregnant. Teddy was ecstatic. Believing there was a reasonable chance the baby was his, he proposed to Rayna. He loved her and knew he would love their daughter, no matter what.

"Rayna, I love you. I want to spend the rest of our lives together. Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?"

"Teddy I love you, but I don't know if the baby is yours. Would you still love me and be a father to my baby if she isn't yours?"

"Don't get me wrong, Rayna, I would be thrilled if I am the biological father, but if I'm not, and you'll still have me, I want to be here for you and the baby. I love you so much, Rayna, and the paternity doesn't matter to me if it doesn't matter to you."

"Thank you, Teddy. You're a good man. Better than I deserve."

He placed a finger on her lips to quiet her apology and then gently kissed her. "No, Rayna, I'm the lucky man. You dazzle me. I want your sparkle in my life."

"Then the answer is 'yes'. But I do think it is important to know Maddie's paternity. I'd like to do a paternity test after she is born if you agree. If she's not yours, you can legally adopt her."

"Ok. But let's keep this between us. I wouldn't want to kick up any dust."

They made the wrong pact for the right reasons and in doing so re-wrote history, robbing Deacon and Maddie of a life together.


	4. 2003

"I'm excited, Buck. I'm not going to lie, it's going to be hard going back out on the road, but you know me, I love an audience!"

Rayna was gearing up for her first tour since Maddie was born. She used the last 9 months to write and record an album. Released it a couple of weeks ago to rave reviews. The first single off the album immediately soared to number one.

At nine months, Maddie was in a good place. She wasn't crawling or walking, but had developed a reasonable sleep routine and could entertain herself for little bits of time. She was eating solid food and could feed herself Cheerios™. Now that she was older and not so fragile, Teddy was comfortable handling her. And, Maddie was an easy child for the most part. A little quiet and sullen at times, but turn on the tunes for that sweet girl and she was a happy camper.

"I'm a mama now so go easy on me. Teddy will take good care of Maddie when I'm not home, but I want to be able to get home often. I don't want to miss out on her life and I don't want to have to get a nanny. I want her to know her parents. Let's focus on big cities. The album is doing great and we should be able to fill arenas. This way I can do fewer dates, but still get great exposure."

"Shouldn't be a problem, Ray. Now let's talk about your band."

"Round up the gang if everyone's available. They're the best band in Nashville."

"What about Deacon?"

Rayna knew what Bucky was hinting at, but she didn't react. "What about him, Buck?"

"Didn't know if you would want him back as your band leader."

"You know there's nobody better, Buck. I hear that he's staying sober, working the program. We're professionals. We can do this. Is he available? "

Rayna hadn't seen Deacon since she said goodbye to him when he left for his fourth attempt at rehab. Coleman told her he sunk to a new low before his fifth visit to rehab. He also said that he was, as expected, devastated to hear that Rayna had married Teddy and had a baby. But, when he came out of rehab that last time, he seemed to come out of it stronger and more determined to stay sober.

She wanted to distance herself from him – prepare her heart to transition to being friends, but she couldn't help but keep tabs on him. She wanted him – needed him – to be alright.

"I haven't seen him Ray, but word is after his fifth visit to rehab he's back and sober. I also believe he has not signed on with anyone else, so he should be available."

"Can you call him and feel him out, Buck. Give him all the information and let me know what he says."

A few days later, Rayna inquired as to where things stood with Deacon. Bucky said that Deacon was thinking about it and would get back to them. "Said before he made any commitment he wanted to talk with you. What do you think?"

"Ah, okay," Rayna answered nervously. Pulling herself together, she said to Bucky, "Set something up. I'll be at Soundcheck tomorrow and am free between 2 and 4. I'd like you to sit in also, if you wouldn't mind."

Rayna didn't know what might happen if they were alone together and wasn't ready to find out. She needed to establish boundaries if this were going to work. She knew where he was going with this and she needed to control the situation.

The next day Deacon strolled in at 2:25. "Sorry. I had a hard time…"

Rayna cut him off, "Hey. You know me, couldn't be on time for my own funeral." She laughed nervously. She was beginning to think he wasn't going to come and the thought made her angry and hurt. She greeted him coolly and awkwardly extended her hand to him. At his touch, the ambivalence melted away and that all too familiar attraction returned. God, it was good to feel him, be near him. She knew she shouldn't feel this way. She was married to another man and had a baby, but she couldn't help that every fiber in her being was on fire in his presence.

He was taken aback by her coldness. He wasn't expecting balloons or sex. But a handshake? That was cold. She called him. He had to believe that there was still a flicker there. They had burned so bright. Why won't she acknowledge it? What was holding her back? Oh yeah, a husband.

"How are you Rayna? You look good. The married life and motherhood must be treating you well." He wasn't going to let her off the hook that easy. He wanted her to squirm a little bit. Be reminded that she left him. Be reminded that she loved him – at least she loved him once.

"Thanks. I'm good." She knew full well what she was doing. She knew she hurt him, but he had no idea the extent or depth he hurt her. He had no idea how much she yearned for him.

"So Buck tells me you're in the market for a band leader," he pressed.

"Yep. I was hoping you'd come back on tour with me."

"Well I'm good. I just have a few details to iron out. Buck, can you give us a minute?" He asked, without asking.

Bucky looked at Rayna for direction. She gave him a slight nod and he left them. But before he departed he gave Rayna an out. "If you need me, for contract details or anything, I'll be right down the hall at craft services."

"Thanks, Buck."

"What can I do for you, Deacon?"

"Tell me the rules of the game. I know we're not gonna be going back to the way we were, so how do we play the game, Ray?"

"We're friends. We've always been friends. But that's all we are. It's strictly professional. You're the best guitar player in town. You know my material, how I like my arrangements. We're good together…musically."

"The best. Okay. If that's how you want to do it, I'll play along." Deacon was far from okay, but he would do anything to be near her. She was his heart. He couldn't believe that she didn't love him.

His flippant response irritated Rayna. Did he hate her that much? "This isn't a game, Deacon. I'm trying to help you. Your being in my band will help me." What she didn't say, what she couldn't say, is that this is an excuse to be near him, because she never stopped loving him.

"Does Teddy know?"

"No." Rayna bristled at the reference to her husband. He in fact did not know she was going to ask Deacon to be in her band and he would be far from okay with this and she will need to deal with this with him and it will not be a pleasant conversation. But she wasn't going to acknowledge this is Deacon, so she simply said, "This is business. He stays out of my business."

"Okay. I'm game. What time should I report to work boss?"

He was cool with her to mask his pain. God it was good just being near her. Motherhood did look good on her. He could feel the tension whether she wanted to admit it or not. This wasn't going to be easy, but he was going to be around to show her he could be the man she wanted him to be. He knew she'd give in to the inevitable sooner or later.

Rayna knew this was going to be a challenge, but she didn't think it would be this hard. She was drawn to him like a magnet. She wanted to melt into him, to ease his pain, to feel his love.

Good God, what has she just done?!


	5. 2004

"What's _he_ doing here, Rayna?"

"All the band members and crew are here, Teddy. Relax. They all wanted to help celebrate Maddie's birthday. It's what we do when we're on the road."

"You should have just come home, had her birthday with her family and friends."

"Babe, I know you find it hard to understand, but these are my family and friends as much as my family and friends back home. We are together 16 hours a day. We know more about each other than I can say I know about either my father or sister."

"Ok. Point taken. I still don't like him around our daughter."

" _You're_ Maddie's father," Rayna reassured Teddy. Tension was growing on the home front as Rayna was on the road for longer periods of time, which gave her more opportunities to spend time with Deacon instead of him and Teddy felt insecure, like he was losing her a little each day.

"Hey Teddy," Deacon said affably. "Sorry to interrupt, Ray, but Maddie had a run in with a tree. She's okay, but she wants her Mama."

"Oh, Lord! I'm sorry to say that that poor girl has my lack of athletic prowess. Thanks, Deacon." And, with that Rayna took off leaving Teddy and Deacon standing awkwardly glaring at each other.

Teddy, ever the gentleman and socialite, spun up the small talk. "So how's the tour going, Deacon?" Not that he cared and if he really wanted to know, he would have asked Rayna. Deacon saw right through this.

"Good." Deacon said succinctly. He was reluctant to offer more than needed and the sight of Teddy still caused him to rage inside. What did this prick have that he didn't? Oh, yeah, the love of his life!

Deacon decided to play nice for Rayna. Besides, it wasn't Teddy's fault that Rayna lost faith in him. That was all on him. If only he had stopped drinking after his 3rd stay in rehab, maybe they would be together today. He asked her to marry him and she said "yes" if only he didn't celebrate by himself with a bottle of Jack.

"Maddie may have Rayna's athleticism, but on the positive side she for sure has her good looks. Get your shotgun locked and loaded my friend."

Deacon was clumsily trying to make small talk, but his reference surreptitiously to Rayna's physical attributes irked Teddy. He could let it pass, but, "Hopefully, she finds a nice, _stable_ boy who treats her right to fall in love with."

Deacon was about to fire back, when Rayna returned. "Well we didn't have to amputate! Maddie wants to go over to the water slide. How about we join her? Teddy?"

"Coming," Teddy obediently answered.

"Excuse us," Rayna said sensing that she came in the middle of something that could have turned ugly in a minute or two.

Teddy and Rayna appeared a few minutes later in their swimwear. Teddy had his hand possessively around Rayna, who looked astonishing by the way. Damn that lady has legs that don't quit. Deacon couldn't help but think of the times they were wrapped around his waist while he buried himself in her until they both exploded, sated. And, he knew he shouldn't notice, but her breasts were even fuller. She had a sheer t-shirt on to protect her fair skin from getting burnt, but he could see through to the tiny bikini top underneath and he smirked remembering the way her breasts felt in his hands.

"Uncle Deacon?"

"Sorry. What?"

"Can you come down the waterslide, too?" Maddie asked.

"Why thank you sweet girl, but I didn't bring my swim trunks with me. You go ahead and I'll watch you. And when you're done I'll help you blow out your candles."

"No. I need to blow them out so I get my wish."

"Ok, then I'll make sure you and only you get to blow them out because I want all your wishes to come true."

Rayna overheard their exchange and nearly lost it. She wanted to tell him. Wanted to give him time to be a father, sing his daughter to sleep, push her on the swings, and hold her hand. But she knew that wasn't possible. She couldn't blow up all their lives. She loved them all and didn't want to break their hearts, but honestly, her heart was in pieces.

At least she could give him this. She had purposely scheduled a performance on Maddie's birthday and insisted that she and Teddy meet them at the venue to have a party so that Deacon could be there. The lie she lived everyday ate at her. This was one way for her to make sure that Deacon at least got to share in Maddie's milestones.


	6. 2005

"Deacon, do you have a minute?"

She was always looking to steal a minute of his time. She wondered if her ploy was obvious. More and more she needed an excuse to be near him.

"Sorry, Ray, I don't."

Rayna was taken aback. He always had time for her. What was different?

Just then, Rayna saw a tall, leggy blond with hard edges walk in and stop and ask security a question. The guard pointed to Deacon and she made a beeline to him. When she got to her destination, she slipped her arm in his and her tongue in his mouth.

Deacon extricated himself from her a little embarrassed and introduced her. "Rayna Jaymes, this is Pat Azure. Pat, Rayna."

"The great Rayna Jaymes," she said a little too enthusiastically and somewhat sarcastically. "I've heard so much about you. I work with your husband, Teddy Conrad (like Rayna didn't know who her husband was). I'm in real estate development."

"Oh, hi. I'm sorry I don't remember Teddy mentioning you." Rayna said cattily, with a fake smile plastered on her face. She didn't mean to, but she felt a pang of jealousy. Deacon was a free man and a very good looking man at that. He knew his way around women. Teddy couldn't come close to exciting her like Deacon. It didn't surprise her that he had a constant rotation of women in his bed, but it made her jealous nonetheless.

Deacon could see that Pat's presence made Rayna uncomfortable. He was okay with that, even relished it a little bit. It was retribution for all the times he had to endure her and Teddy – him with the love of his life, the house that they should have built and the daughter they should be raising up together.

"Well, we have tickets for the Opry. Can I catch up with you tomorrow, Ray?"

"Sure. Have a good time."

The next day, Rayna gave Deacon a bit of the cold shoulder. She suddenly didn't have anything to talk about with him and only spoke to him when she had a directive to deliver.

She was confused and mad and frustrated. She wanted him but couldn't have him. She thought he wanted her. All she knew was that he was burying his sorrow in every girl's pussy in Nashville and parading them in front of her to get a reaction.

"Hey, Ray, you okay?" he inquired.

"Yeah, sorry, my head's a thousand miles away today." She wasn't ready to confront her feelings, least of all with him.

"How about we call it for today and pick up tomorrow when we're fresh."

"Sounds good. Thanks, Deacon."

"Sure."

Rayna couldn't resist. She asked, "Is your 'friend' meeting you tonight?"

"No. That ended last night."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"Are you Ray?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Rayna said haughtily.

"You treated her like I belong to you, Ray" he called her out and challenged her.

"I did not!" Rayne said unconvincingly.

"You did too, Ray, and you know it. You have no right."

Rayna knew he was right. She said contritely, "You're right. I'm sorry." She added, "I want you to be happy, Deacon,"

"Well you know good and well there's only one thing that's going to make me happy and I lost that a long time ago."

Why did he have to go there? Her heart caught in her throat. If she could change their past, she would have. She ached for him, for them. But her life was different and she couldn't change things. She had to make the best of where they are now.

"There's happiness out there for you Deacon, maybe around the next corner. And, when you find it, I'll be there cheering you on. I better be going. Maddie will be waiting up for me to read her a story. Take care."

"Goodnight, Ray."


	7. 2006

Rayna and Deacon were in the studio together laying down some tracks for her next album. Rayna felt they were finally finding some peace with one another. Of late, she was confiding in him, leaning on him more and more for direction. He was a brilliant musician and he knew her so well and always encouraged her to be true to herself.

Other than her sister, Rayna didn't have any girlfriends. And, Tandy didn't get her in a lot of ways. Tandy was a lot like her Daddy. Neither she nor Teddy could understand the music and the depth of feeling that it stirs. Deacon was her soulmate. He understood and supported her creative process.

He was laying down the guitar solo. It was soulful and seductive. She stood back and just admired his craftsmanship. She couldn't help but also remember how those same fingers stroked her and took her to places no one had before or since.

She was consumed by the music when suddenly the baby kicked. "Oh!" She cried startling him.

"You okay, Ray."

"Yeah. The baby just kicked. It took me by surprise."

Deacon looked at her downcast eyes and her bulging belly. She looked up and caught the sadness in his eyes. She knew what he was thinking. He felt abandoned all over again. He wanted this to be his.

Rayna loved Teddy. She truly did. He was a good man and loved her and Maddie unconditionally. She knew it wasn't easy for him. He was living in her world. A world that was foreign to him. And though he didn't say it, she knew he was scared everyday of losing her and Maddie to Deacon. He hated that Deacon was still in her life, but as much as she knew she needed to, Rayna couldn't give him up. He was her other half. He was everything – music and love, her very being. She wanted to do right by him – take care of him.

She knew she shouldn't but she asked, "Do you want to feel?"

That was a loaded question if ever there was one. Of course he wanted to feel. He wanted to feel her body. He wanted to feel her heartbeat. He wanted…"Yes."

He rested his hand on her belly. She gently placed her hand over his and guided him to where the baby was. The sensation of his touch burned through her. He took a step closer and looked in her eyes – straight to her heart. She held her breath and for a minute, imagined his hands exploring other parts of her body – her swelling breasts, her lips… Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! She needs to end this or she'll crumble. Just then the baby kicked.

"There, did you feel her?"

"Yeah. I can tell already that she's gonna keep you runnin'," he said, laughing nervously. He looked in her eyes knowing what was in her heart because it was in his, too. This was killing him. This should be his. She should be his. He wanted to take her in his arms and feel her, really feel her. He was never going to get over her, but he wanted to do right by her. She was married to another man, carrying another man's baby. He had no right.

Maddie, he thought was an accident. But this one was planned. A gift. Somehow it seemed to cement in his mind that she belonged to someone else.

He removed his hand and smiled sadly at her. He had to end this even if she couldn't. "What do you say we call it a day, Ray. I think you need some rest."

"You're right. Thanks, Deacon. Night."

"Night, Ray."


	8. 2007

"Ray, Zac's band is headed to Jimmy's Roadside. They wanted to know if you and the band wanted to join them. The owner is a friend of his so they shut it down early so y'all can keep a low profile."

"Yeah, Buck. I haven't seen Zac for forever and we have a travel day tomorrow. I could use a night out," Rayna said enthusiastically.

"Great. I'll let them know we'll meet them over there. I'll have the car come around for you in about 30 minutes."

"Sounds good. That will give me time to lose the rhinestones and put on my jeans and boots. Have you seen Deacon?"

"He took off before the after party. I think he said something about going to a meeting."

"Okay." Rayna was hoping Deacon would come out with them. It'd been all business between the two of them for weeks and she missed just hanging with him and talking. She had some decisions to make about her next album and Deacon had always been the person she trusted when making creative decisions. He knew what was true for her and helped her go to those deep places that were the catalyst for some of her best material.

She went back to her room to get ready, erasing the telltale signs of her stage persona – the fake eyelashes, sparkling eye makeup, thick liner and billowing curls. She traded in the sequined, shimmering skin tight, high-cut dress for comfy, form fitting jeans, a sleeveless, roomy top and a well-worn pair of boots.

As she stepped out of her room, Deacon walked by. "Well there she is, Rayna Jaymes, wife, mother, card-carrying member of the PTA," he teased. This was the Rayna he knew. He looked her up and down appreciating what he saw. This was the Rayna he found incredibly sexy.

"Hey you," she said good-naturedly, blushing as she watched Deacon's eyes assess her. She knew Deacon preferred her au natural and not all made up. She appreciated this about him. She always felt she could be herself around him, not pretend to be something she wasn't. "We're headed to Jimmy's Roadside to meet up with Zac's band. Come join us."

"I don't know, Ray. I try to stay away from bars these days."

"I know. I'm sorry," she apologized. She selfishly pressed on. She suddenly wanted to be with him tonight. "I could use a designated driver. I am planning to get a little shit-faced. It's been a little stressful these last few weeks."

Deacon smirked remembering those days when Rayna had a little too much to drink. Most of the times she was three sheets to the wind, his masts were already down. But on the rare occasion when she drank him under the table or started without him, he enjoyed the hell out of that side of her. She was a happy and an extremely sexy drunk. Always guarded and proper, her inhibitions disappeared with alcohol and she became a real minx.

As tempting as that was to see again, Deacon thought better of it. "I don't think so, Ray. Tell Zac and the boys I said hello. Have fun. Get Bucky to drive you back if you have one too many."

"Okay," Rayna said disappointed. On one hand she was proud of him for his resolve, but in some ways she missed being able to have a little fun with him. She supposed it was all for the best.

As Rayna jumped in the car with Bucky, he asked about Deacon. "He tries to keep away from temptation, Buck. He's doing a good job. I honestly didn't think he could make it after that last stay in rehab, but he's worked hard to fight his addiction."

Bucky couldn't deny that Deacon was doing a great job avoiding alcohol. But, he and Rayna weren't doing a good job fighting their addiction to each other. Bucky saw it every day, but kept his mouth shut. The way they always had to touch each other or look at one another for confirmation. On stage they teased each other – him with seductive riffs and her strutting and posing with him. It was never over the top, but always on the edge.

When they got to the club, the music was playing and Zac and his band and her crew were having a good old time. The shots were flowing and folks were lighting up the dance floor.

Rayna needed a release. She hadn't just let loose in a long time. Between appearances and performances and trips home during breaks, she didn't have time for herself. There were so many people relying on her, she felt the weight of the world on her shoulders. She didn't want to let anyone down and she felt that if she eased up things would slip.

So when Zac asked her to two-step, she was thrilled to join in. She loved to dance, but dancing on stage was not the same as dancing with a partner. Once others saw that she was having fun, her dance card and shot glass were filled for the night. Her friends were more than willing to take her on a trip around the dance floor and toast to her success.

Having not imbibed like this in quite a while, Rayna had a good buzz going and was feeling no pain. But she did recognize that this could go south quickly if she didn't slow down, so she stepped off the dance floor to collect herself.

Just then she spied Deacon in the doorway. Her heart leaped. He stepped up to the DJ and whispered something to him and went to the bar to get a club soda. He took a couple sips and set down his glass as the song slowly faded. As he strode over to Rayna, John Conlee's "Rose Colored Glasses" came on. He stopped in front of her and placed one hand on his heart and extended the other in a grand gentlemanly gesture inviting her to dance.

Her heart caught when the song came on. It was one of her favorites. She remembered telling him how her mama would ask her to sing it for her. It was why she took a liking to country music when all her friends were into the Stones and Led Zepplin. She smiled and without a word took his hand.

He placed his left hand around her waist and gathered her right in his and pulled it into his chest and rested their entwined hands between them. She hooked her right arm around his shoulders and laid her head on his opposite shoulder facing away from him. They both closed their eyes letting the years melt away.

Rayna sighed contentedly in his arms. He must have showered before coming over. His flannel shirt was soft and fresh and he had that all too familiar woodsy scent that made her senses tingle. His ripped muscles underneath her hands felt so good, so strong, and so familiar. His scruff tickled her neck. Lost in time and the music, her hand absently explored his shoulders and traced his biceps. This felt like home.

He couldn't believe she was this close. He knew he shouldn't have come over, that she would be vulnerable, but he wanted to hold her again, if only for tonight. Her breasts pressed against his chest and he could feel her erect nipples through her sheer top and he couldn't help but remember how they felt when his thumbs grazed them or how they looked when she arched her back before she screamed his name. Her hips were pressed into his, teasing him, inviting him. He pulled her closer so that there was no space between them and without thinking slid his hand down her back to rest on the soft curve of her backside.

Rayna didn't flinch. She savored the feeling of him, of being one with him again. She turned her face to him and rested it in the crook of his neck. He could feel her hot breath on him and it was driving him crazy. He opened his eyes just to be sure that this was real. He bent his head down and she looked up at him. They stared at each other for what felt like an eternity, both of them looking for signs that love was still there, longing to take that first step back to each other. Deacon broke eye contact first and let his eyes travel to her lips. They were slightly parted. He wanted to taste her whiskey lips and knew that he had an open invitation. Her inhibitions were down. She swallowed hard as she spoke his name, ready to give in to her desires.

So entranced were they that they failed to realize the song had ended. Bucky witnessed this as did everyone in the place that knew their storied past. Bucky could tell that they were playing with fire. His heart broke for them. It was obvious that they loved each other and were fighting this hard. But the fact was Rayna was a married woman. He knew that if she did anything, she would hate herself and it would not only wreck her marriage, but her friendship with Deacon.

Bucky, walked over and interrupted their reunion. "Hey, Deacon, glad you could make it, but I hate to break up this party. Ray, it's late and you have an early morning interview with WCM before we hit the road tomorrow. What do you say?"

Rayna was pulled back to reality a little breathless and dizzy. "Yeah. You're right Buck, need to be at my best tomorrow."

She softly and apologetically turned to Deacon, a tear starting for form in her eye and said, "Good night, Deacon." He looked deep into her eyes almost pleading then dropped his stare and just nodded slightly in response.

Rayna and Bucky rode back to the hotel in silence. Rayna was thinking about what she almost did. When she got out of the car, she said, "Thanks, Buck." They both knew she wasn't just thanking him for the lift; she was thanking him for saving her from herself and from blowing up her life.


	9. 2008

"Hey, Ray have you seen Deacon?"

"No, Buck. What's up?"

"Just got a call from his sister…" Bucky searched his memory for her name.

"Beverly," Rayna offered.

"Yes, Beverly. She wanted him to know that their mother passed."

"Oh no, Buck! Deacon's going to be heartbroken. He and his mama had a strange relationship, but he loved her nonetheless. Let me tell him. I expect that he will want to go be home and spend a few days with his kin. Let's find a lead to fill in – maybe Adria – until he's ready to come back."

"I was real close to his mama, too, so I'm going to go with him. I'll be back for the show tomorrow night. Can you get me a flight to Memphis from Natchez? Natchez is an easy drive from here so if Deacon is okay with it, I think we'll rent a car to get over there."

"You got it, Ray. I'm sorry. Please give my sympathies to Deacon, too."

"Thanks, Buck." And with that, Rayna turned to leave. As she did, she started to catch her breath while tears formed in her eyes thinking about Deacon's mother.

Mama Rose was a troubled woman. Her husband, the definition of a redneck, beat her, but good, and when he was done with her he walloped Deacon and Beverly. Sometimes he spared Deacon and made him stand by helplessly while he beat the women in the house, swearing and damning Deacon to his same fate. Deacon was haunted with the image of his mother and sister crying, defenseless, bloodied while he stood by doing nothing, his father laughing, telling him he would grow up to be just like him.

Rose was a victim, but Deacon always felt she didn't do enough to change the situation, like leave Jeb or stand up to him. She was an adult, he was just a kid. He didn't understand that it wasn't that simple and Rose was certain that Jeb would kill them all rather than lose what 'belonged to him'.

Deacon drank for a number of reasons, but primarily to exorcise this demon. He didn't want to be his father. When he turned to the bottle it devastated him that much more to think that he was exactly like his father. But, he never crossed the line, never hurt anyone, except himself.

Rayna remembered how deeply remorseful he felt when he learned that in an alcoholic stupor he gave her a black eye. Rayna knew that it would kill him to know that. She was furious with him that it happened, but knew that it wasn't purposeful. She asked those around her not to tell him how her eye was blackened. She tried to brush it aside, but another act on the bill with them clued him in. As Rayna expected, Deacon was harder on himself than she was for this. The realization of his actions only drove him to drink more. That eventually led to his first trip to rehab.

Rose found out about Deacon's drinking and took it hard. Jeb was dead a few years by this time and she didn't want to see Deacon walk in his footsteps. She didn't know Rayna then, but she reached out to her for reports. She also told Rayna Deacon's history, something he couldn't bring himself to share with her. Rose was hopeful after Deacon got sober that first time that he would stay sober. She kept tabs on him through Rayna, as Deacon was none too eager to get reacquainted.

Rayna only met Rose once, though they talked and corresponded for years. Deacon was in rehab for the 3rd time. At a loss for what to do next to help him, Rayna sought Rose's counsel. "I don't have the answer, honey" she said. "Obviously, I couldn't figure out how to love a man that doesn't love himself." In the end, she just said to Rayna, 'love him, until you can't love him any more'. And, Rayna did.

Remembering Rose and these intersections of their lives, brought a fresh set of tears to Rayna's eyes. By this time, Rayna had retreated to her room. She had left a message with the front desk for Deacon to contact her. She was expecting him to ring her any minute. She laid back on her couch and waited.

Just then there was a knock on the door. She opened it to him. "Hey, Ray. You wanted to see me? Planning to change the set list for tomorrow night's show?"

"Hey, Deacon, come on in."

"What's wrong?" he inquired, concerned. "It looks like you've been crying. Everything ok with the girls?"

God, that was just like Deacon to go there first. For all his faults, that man had the biggest heart, especially when it came to Rayna.

"No, Deacon, but thanks for caring. Beverly called earlier."

"What'd Beverly want?"

"Well Deacon, she called to let you know that Mama Rose passed." Rayna stopped there to let him absorb the news.

He stared at her and she watched his eyes go wide then start to fill. His hand went over his mouth, but not before a sob escaped his throat and a rush of air rushed out of his nose. His shoulders slumped and he began to shake and look for refuge. Rayna stepped forward to hold him. She held him until the tears were spent.

"I'm so sorry, Deacon. I'm assuming you want to get back to Natchez immediately. I asked Bucky to rent a car. I'll drive you over there. It's only about a two hour trip."

"I can't let you do that, Ray."

"Come on now, you're family and I loved Rose, too. Let me be there for you."

Deacon didn't have the strength to fight her, so he simply thanked her and they made arrangements to hit the road.

When they got to Mama Rose's in Natchez it was pretty late. The house was empty. Beverly left a note on the door that simply said, 'Key's in the same place. Make yourself at home. I'll see you in the morning.'

He found the key in the gnome's hat by the door and let himself in. It was like walking into a time capsule. Nothing had changed in the last 20 years, except the voices that filled the space were quieted. Beverly left a casserole on the stovetop for him. It was still hot.

"Join me Ray. You must be starved."

She was intending to head to the little hotel in town and crash, but there was a bit of desperation in Deacon's voice and she could tell he needed her.

"Sure."

They ate the casserole. It was not the best she ever had. Beverly wasn't going to win any cooking awards any time soon. Her baby brother definitely bested her with his culinary skills.

Rayna thought it was important for him to talk about his mama, so they reminisced about days gone by, sticking mostly to the happy memories. He didn't know that he could visit that dark place right now, and he feared that if opened that box, he wouldn't be able to keep it together. He knew that those old memories would haunt him as soon as he had time to think about them.

"Stay with me tonight, Ray. I can't face this alone. I can't be here by myself with my memories."

Rayna's heart ached for him. She was all too aware of the nightmares this place stirred up. She wanted to ease his pain. "Okay, Deacon."

Deacon led Rayna to Beverly's old room and he retreated to his. Left alone to think and relive some of the horrific events that transpired within these walls gripped Deacon and tears streamed down his face while he moaned audibly. It wasn't long before he knocked on Rayna's door asking for a safe harbor.

Seeing the pain and grief written all over his face, Rayna made a place for him in her bed. He slid underneath the covers and lay beside her. He sobbed silently wanting, needing her to hold him. He didn't ask. He didn't need to. She touched his shoulder and gently nudged it, encouraging him to lie in her arms. He rolled over and wrapped his arm around her waist and laid his head on her chest. She was his anchor in rough seas. Rayna in turn wrapped her right arm around his back and gently stroked it while her other hand smoothed down his hair. She softly sang to him to help him find peace. This was something she often did to calm her girls. After a while his breathing became even and his body lay still. She in turn relaxed in his arms and also fell into a peaceful slumber.

They remained like this until they heard a tap on the door the next morning. Beverly rushed in not waiting for a response. "Deac…" she stopped in her tracks taken aback seeing Deacon and Rayna together in bed. "Well, well lookie here," she said with derision as she took in the scene. "I would have dressed nicer if I'd uv known the 'Queen of Country' was going to grace us with her presence."

"That's enough, Bev."

But it wasn't enough for Beverly. She always resented Rayna for her success and blamed her for her own lack of fame and fortune when Deacon abandoned her to join Rayna's band.

Rayna knew she was hurting, too, so she didn't take the bait. "Sorry for your loss, Beverly. I always liked Mama Rose."

Beverly kept at her. "So, how are Teddy and the girls?"

Deacon was getting real mad now. This was not the time nor place and he didn't want to fight with his sister. "Come on now, Bev. Rayna is here as a friend. Mama was special to her, too."

"So do you always sleep with your employees, Rayna? Is this your thank you to Deacon for all those platinum records?"

Deacon had, had enough. She crossed the line. "Hey, Bev. Nothing happened. We're friends. I suggest you either put a lid on it or leave."

"Alright, alright," she conceded. "I'll be in the kitchen. I have breakfast."

"Sorry about that, Ray," he apologized after his sister left.

"Don't give it a second thought, Deacon. Nonetheless, I don't want to cause any more friction and certainly don't want your mama's funeral to become a media frenzy, so I'm just going to get showered then try to grab an earlier flight."

"Please," he pleaded with her.

"No. I think its best that I go." And they looked at each other with knowing glances. They lay down as friends last night and nothing happened, but given more time there were no guarantees that they wouldn't cross that line. The pull was too strong.

After Rayna showered and emerged from the bedroom, Beverly was sweet as molasses to her. She guessed that Deacon read her the riot act and Beverly declared a victory since Rayna was on her way out.

"Bye, Beverly."

"Bye. Thanks for coming, Rayna."

"How about I give you a ride to the airport, Ray?"

"You don't have to, Deacon. I'm sure you two have arrangements to make and some catching up to do."

"Yes, Deacon. I could really use your help," Beverly piped in feeling this victory slip from her fingers.

"I won't be but a few minutes, Beverly. You can surely manage without me for a few minutes," he said exasperated with her behavior. And with that, he walked out to the car with Rayna.

They didn't say much on the ride over, but when Deacon bid her farewell, he hugged her tightly. "Thank you for coming and thank you for last night. I wouldn't have made it through the night without you, Ray."

"You're stronger than you think you are, Deacon. Take care of yourself. I'll see you in a few days. Good-bye."

Rayna's heart screamed as she turned her back to leave, "Be well, my love," she whispered outside of his earshot.


	10. 2009

"Hey, Rayna," Amy Kurland, owner of The Bluebird Café greeted her. "I have the back room set up for you as usual."

"Thanks, Amy. What time does his set start?"

"He'll be on at 10."

"Got it. Thanks."

Rayna secretly stopped by the Bluebird on the 3rd Thursday of every month to hear Deacon's set. She'd been doing this for the last five years. It was her way of staying connected to him, of knowing his most intimate thoughts and desires without being so near that she would succumb to what was in her heart. His music was raw and true. It pained her to hear it because she knew that most of it was about her and how she broke his heart and his spirit. But somehow it gave her life to know that he still cared.

Teddy would have hit the ceiling if he knew she was here. It was bad enough that Deacon was in her band, but this would have been akin to adultery in his eyes. He knew fully well that his wife still carried a torch for Deacon. In fact, unbeknownst to Rayna, he knew this because she occasionally called out for him in her sleep.

Rayna was always tense and on edge at these performances. She often bolstered her bravado with a whiskey shot or two and tonight was no different.

The house was packed as usual for his set which made her wonder why he never tried to branch out on his own. The man was so talented he probably could have punched his ticket. She accomplished a lot on her own, but she was convinced that without him there would be no Rayna Jaymes.

He started his set with some old familiar tunes that spoke to his heartbreak and his undying love for her. These were always tough to listen too, because she knew she was the one responsible for the pain he felt and she couldn't love him the way he needed to be loved. She steeled her emotions with a gulp of whiskey.

"Here's a new one. I hope you like it. It's called _Sideshow*_."

 _She's a big top ten with bright spotlights  
That woman sure knows how to shine  
You almost can't believe your eyes  
You can hardly wait to see the sight_

 _She'll have you walking that high wire  
Jumpin through rings of fire  
And give you a moment in the sun  
Be careful not to fall in love_

 _Cause that curtain falls  
The lights go out  
The show goes on  
She leaves town  
If you know what's good for you you'll just let her go  
Or you'll end up next to me in her sideshow_

She couldn't listen to anymore. Anyone that knew anything about their history knew exactly what he was talking about it. It crushed her to know the depth of his hurt. Did he really think of her this way and was he resentful of her success? She couldn't breathe. She closed her tab and quickly headed out the back door before anyone spotted her.

A voice from behind stopped her in her tracks. "Happy Anniversary."

Her back stiffened and her head dropped. She didn't say anything. He continued. "You've been coming here every month for the past five years. Sneaking in. Sitting in the shadows. I got to wonder why you do it, Ray. Do you need proof that I still love you? Do you need to share my pain? Is it because you love me? Does Teddy know? No. What would he say if he did? How would he feel?"

His questions stung, but she let him go on.

"Isn't it about time you're honest with me and him and yourself, Ray?"

Defeated, her back still to him, she finally spoke, her voice choked, "Do you need me to say it? Do you need me to say I never stopped loving you? This is killing me, Deacon, but I have a husband and two girls that need me, that I love desperately. I can't just walk away from that."

He sighed and said quietly, "You don't need to, Ray. This is on me." He was hurting and he was mad, but he empathized with her struggle. In the end, he couldn't find forgiveness for himself. She didn't need to remind him that it was his alcoholism that brought them to this place. It was him that chose to be in her sideshow.

She turned and he could see even in the dim light of the parking lot that her face was tear-stained. She looked him in the eye, looked all the way to his soul, and her eyes told him what he knew, she loved him but she loved them, too, and couldn't turn their world upside down. "Goodnight, Deacon."

They didn't talk about that night again and she didn't show up at the Bluebird the next 3rd Thursday or the one after that or the one after that, but his words haunted her and her truth shattered her heart for all of them.

*All credit for music and lyrics to Brad Francis Tursi, Aaron Scherz


	11. 2010

"You killed it, Ray! Great show."

"Thanks, Buck. It's nice to be home. I love playing the Ryman."

Rayna was pumped. The tour had gone extraordinarily well. The album was showing strong. She had one more show and then had a long break and time with the girls to look forward to. She was excited to start polishing some of the material she wrote on the road and get some of these new ideas swirling in her head down on paper. She had a lot to write about. Being this close to Deacon for this long raised a lot of old feelings that she'd been holding in.

Right now, though, she was exhausted. As was the case most nights, it was always a letdown to come off stage, to be separated from Deacon.

Bucky interrupted her revelry. "Hey, just a heads up, you have visitors."

She was excited. She thought maybe Teddy and the girls were waiting for her, but when she opened her dressing room door she saw Lamar and Tandy patiently waiting for her. She wished she could say this was a pleasant surprise, but it was anything, but.

"Daddy, what are you doing here? I didn't think you worshipped at this particular church." She eyed her sister suspiciously and bent down to give her father a peck on the cheek. Then she coldly embraced her sister, her Daddy's handmaiden.

"So, really, Daddy, I know you don't go for 'that hillbilly music' so what brings you here?"

"Nice to see you, too, Rayna. And you're right; this isn't exactly my kind of music. But I am a business man and I had some associates from out of town that wanted to see the reigning 'queen of country'." That last part said dripping with sarcasm.

Rayna looked at her sister, silently pleading for help.

"What can I do for you, Daddy?"

"It's not what you can do for me. It's what you can do for your husband."

Rayna looked at her father, confused.

"People are talking, Rayna."

Rayna still didn't know where this was going.

Lamar continued, "People are talking about you and your guitar player." He let that bomb drop and waited for her reaction.

"I'm sorry?" She couldn't believe her ears. Where was this coming from?

"From what I saw out there, looks like people are right."

Truth be told, Rayna knew what he was talking about, but she wasn't about to let it show. When she and Deacon were on stage, you could cut the sex with a knife. They teased each other, rubbing up and down each other, gyrating seductively, gazing into each other's eyes, hugging just a minute or two too long. There was a time when that interplay would have been a prelude to sex, but it was innocent, if not titillating, now. If she was honest with herself, she wanted it to be more, but knew that he was forbidden fruit.

"Get out. You have no right. We're friends. We've always been friends," Rayna screamed with as much indignation as she could muster.

"Hold on now little lady. You two were more than friends and you and I both know it. And, you have a _special_ _familial_ bond. Now you wouldn't want that truth to be told, would you?" Lamar threatened.

"Okay, Daddy. Let it be. You said your piece," Tandy offered, trying to be the peacekeeper.

"She needs to hear it. She needs to come to her senses and get rid of him before her husband sees this wanton display. She needs to stop fuelin' the rumor mill. She's making a fool of herself!"

"Okay, I've heard enough. Get out. Both of you." With that Rayna ushered them out and slammed the door behind them. She stormed over to her dressing table and grabbed a perfume bottle and hurled it at the wall then collapsed into a ball on the floor and wept as the bottle and its contents exploded against the wall.

Lamar and Tandy paused a minute when they heard the glass shatter. Tandy wanted to go to her, but she dare not. As luck would have it, when they turned back around, they ran into Deacon.

"Speak of the devil," Lamar prodded.

"Nice to see you, too, Lamar," Deacon responded not taking the bait. There was no love lost between him and Lamar. Lamar felt Deacon was responsible for Rayna leaving home and taking up music. He felt she could do better than Deacon. He was probably right there, but he should have known his daughter better. That was one girl that had a mind of her own and when she set her mind to do something – watch out world.

"You can't leave her alone, can you? She's happily married, Deacon. Move on."

"Why don't you leave her be, Lamar?"

"Okay, Daddy, that's enough. Let's go before Rayna blows a gasket," Tandy said trying to rein him in.

Just then Rayna stepped out. Her eyes darted between Deacon, Lamar and Tandy and what she saw didn't look good. "What's going on, here?" She demanded.

"Nothing Rayna. Daddy and I were just leaving," Tandy said, trying to keep this from escalating further.

After they were out of earshot, Deacon looked at Rayna with pained eyes. She reeked of perfume and had red swollen eyes. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything's okay. How are you?" She said tersely not wanting to explain herself.

"I'm doing just fine," he said unconvincingly.

"See you tomorrow, Ray."

"Yeah, see you tomorrow."

Just walk Deacon, he told himself, but he couldn't bear to see her hurting. "You're not okay, Ray. Talk to me."

"I can't. I can't do this with you anymore."

He grabbed her hand and led her back to her dressing room so they could talk in private.

"What can't you do with me anymore?" He wanted her to say it…needed her to say it.

"I can't keep pretending that I don't love you. I love, Teddy, I do and he loves me. That should be enough. But I'm not whole without you." There it was out there. She didn't mean for it to be, but it was.

He took little pleasure in her revelation, because there was nothing they would do about it. They never stopped loving each other, but they had agreed when he came back into her life that they would remain friends – at arm's length. They toed the line – getting as close as they could without stepping over. He knew if he was the one to step over, he'd scare her away and would be banished from her life. He let her do what she needed. And although it killed him, he played his role.

Performances were the hardest. They danced on the edge of ecstasy. She looked so damned sexy in the 5" heels and tight, short dresses with the plunging necklines that hugged her curves just right and pushed her breasts up and out. She flaunted her sex in front of him during a performance like a bitch in heat. And when she did, he couldn't help but let his mind turn to lascivious thoughts. Thoughts of making love to her, tasting her most private places, her mouth giving him indescribable pleasure.

"Then stop pretending, Ray."

"I love my husband and I'm not going to be a cheater. I love you, but I can't do this."

"I'll be here when you change your mind. Goodnight, Ray."


	12. 2011

"Happy birthday!"

"Oh, goodness. Y'all shouldn't have! "

Her band and road crew as well as Teddy and the girls and Tandy were in the reception hall at the Staple Center. There were balloons with 4-0 emblazoned across them, black wreaths dotting the walls and a coffin-shaped cake on the table at the center of the room.

"Ouch. You really shouldn't have!" she joked good-naturedly. "Seriously, thank you. What a nice surprise. Just for the record though, I'm not ready to hang up my rhinestones just yet."

She scanned the room and took in all the faces of the folks that were family or who had become family after six months on the road. But, she couldn't help but notice that one face was absent – Deacon's.

She can't say that it didn't hurt, but she understood why he wasn't there. He tended to avoid after parties these days – to avoid the temptation of liquid inspiration. And, if he knew Teddy was going to be there, he would have gone out of his way to avoid the function. Those two tended to tussle when they were in each other's company.

"So, the big 4-0," Tandy teased.

"Just remember, my dear sister, that you'll always be older than me."

"You got me there. Where's the Deaconator? Thought he'd be here pining over you."

"Stop! I don't know. He's not one for parties or Teddies. Let's go get a bite, I'm famished."

Rayna put on her best performance smile and played the perfect host. She talked with everyone, making everyone feel special. She laughed at all the "over-the-hill" jokes they hurled at her. And, she thanked everyone for helping her to celebrate.

When just she and Teddy and the girls and Tandy were left, she kicked up her feet. Forty! She thought. That's not so old. At least she didn't feel old. Some things were starting to travel south, but all and all she could still give a 20 year old a run for her money.

Daphne interrupted that thought. "Forty! You're older than dirt, Mama," parroting one of the jokes that she heard the crew tell.

"Ouch. From the mouths of babes. You're lucky you're so cute, my baby," Rayna said as she squeezed Daphne tight. "Well we old people are tired. What do y'all say we blow this popsicle stand?"

"Speak for yourself," Tandy and Teddy said in unison. Then they conceded, "Yeah, we wouldn't mind going back to the room either."

They gathered up her presents and the leftover cake and headed to the waiting limo. Just as she reached down to grab her phone off her dressing table; she noticed it, a conch shell.

"You go on ahead," she yelled after Teddy, Tandy and the girls. "I'll catch up with you."

When she was alone, Rayna reverently caressed the shell and brought one hand to her heart. Then she raised the shell to her ear and placed her hand over her lips to silence the sob on the edge of escaping. "Put it next to your ear and it will whisper 'I love you' so you can always remember this day, Ray." He gave it to her on their trip to Mexico.

Deacon was here. He did remember.

And, she remembered that day. They were exhausted. They were in San Diego just finishing up a year-long tour as opening act, first for Dolly, then George Strait. They were flush with cash for the first time in a long time. It was Rayna's birthday and Deacon wanted to surprise her so he rented a car and started driving.

"Where we goin' babe."

"It's a surprise!" He said mysteriously.

"Okay"

Two hours later than were south of the border in Tijuana.

"You're crazy!"

"For you," he countered.

When they got to their hotel room, she jumped up in his arms and planted a long, passionate kiss on his lips. He reciprocated and upped the ante, sucking and licking, letting his tongue explore hers. They paused, breathless, but not before a moan escaped from Rayna's lips. She was on fire and could feel herself getting primed for him. He gently put her feet back on the ground and bent at the knees and as he stretched to stand erect he ran his hands up her silky, long legs and under her dress. He felt between her thighs and smiled against her – she was nearly soaking through her panties. "I think somebody wants me," he teased.

"Shut up," she said as she pulled him on top of her and fell back onto the bed. He immediately pushed her panties down. She worked his belt buckle urgently. When he was relieved of the leather strap she popped his button fly and whisked the zipper down. She folded back his jeans, releasing the pressure in his pants. He sighed appreciatively.

He jumped up from the bed and finished stripping down. Rayna was dressed except for her panties, but he had all the access he needed. He reached under her dress and worked her core with his skilled fingers while his other hand kneaded and squeezed her firm breasts, teasing her nipples. There was something to be said about a guitar man she thought. He worked magic with his fingers. When she was on the edge of sweet release, he flipped her on her stomach and she responded by raising her center fully exposing herself to him. He wrapped an arm around her waist to steady her then started pumping her from behind until he collapsed on top of her, both gasping for air, spent.

They didn't see much of Tijuana that trip. They spent the next 12 hours in bed, making love and making music.

When they finally stumbled out of bed it was about time to head back and catch up with the tour. He grabbed her hand and ran with her to the beach. "I'm not leaving here without taking a dip in the water."

"Babe, I don't have a suit."

"Me neither" And with that, he proceeded to strip down to his boxers.

"Come on sweetie there's no one around," he coaxed her.

"You're insane. We could get caught!"

"Yeah? So?"

"Who's going to bail us out of a Mexican prison, babe?" Rayna challenged his sanity, but conceded, "Ok. What the hell." Rayna giggled and followed suit.

The water was freezing so it was a quick dip. After they were put back together, they sat on the sand, a towel wrapped around them to keep them warm. Deacon spotted the conch shell. He grabbed it and held it to her ear. "If you listen closely, you can hear me say 'I love you.'"

Her heart melted then and they made love on that beach wrapped in a towel.

The gift had the same effect on her anew.

Deacon walked past her door right at that moment and simply said, "Happy birthday, Ray."

Her throat was constricted as she gulped back the sob threatening to escape. She was literally speechless. She looked up, her eyes filled with tears and nodded.

He paused, touched his heart, hung his head and moved on.

All she wanted to do was acknowledge what was in her heart. She wanted desperately to say in return, ' _I love you, too'_. Instead, she headed out the door to go home to be with her family.


	13. 2012

"I've been waiting 14 years. I get you all to myself."

"Oh, babe, I've missed you. I've missed this."

"Can I ask you something, Ray?" He continued when she nodded, "What were you going to say or do that night in Chicago when Teddy came? I came to your room you know. But, I saw him at the door and bolted."

"I thought you didn't come. I thought you regretted the kiss. I was hurt, but I didn't have time to hurt. My heart was numb."

"You know, things were bad between Teddy and me and I found myself wanting you more and more, but I was still scared. Our love is so intense the highs are spectacular, but the lows are devastating. I didn't know if I could do it. But you kissed me and I kissed you back and I forgot all that. All that I could remember was how much I love you. How strong you are and, how you set every fiber of my being on fire."

"I honestly don't know what I was going to do. I was hoping I'd figure that out when you got to the room. Teddy and I were in a bad place – obviously. I think by that point whether I wanted to admit it to myself or not, I was feeling that I needed out, that I needed to be true to my heart. The pull toward you was too much. I couldn't sweep it under the rug any more. But, Deacon, I'm not a cheater so I probably would have lied to myself and denied what I knew to be true in my heart. So maybe it all worked out in the end."

"I think I knew your truth before you did, Ray. I watched you closely for 14 years. I felt the love and could tell that laying underneath your cool, polite exterior you fought a constant battle between your heart and your head. I knew you were always thinking of what was best for the girls. I never stopped wanting you and hoping that your heart would win. You just needed to tell me to jump and I would have said how high."

Rayna started to cry when he said this. He looked at her, confused. "I didn't want to have that kind of power over you, Deacon. I wanted you to be happy. I was selfish and I'm sorry for that. I ached for your touch, for your love, every time I was near you. I know those years were torturous for you. If it's any consolation, I can't remember never loving you."

"Thank you for waiting for me. Thank you for completing me. Thank you for letting goodbye not be a chasm to keep us apart, but a step closer to hello, to our eternity."


	14. Epilogue

Rayna knew that a love like theirs only comes along once in a lifetime. It's so intense and burns so bright, those in its orbit can't help but get burnt. They both left a path of destruction that will forever haunt her. They broke each other's hearts so many times and caused each other so much pain that sometimes it felt like 'all the king's horses and all the king's men' couldn't put their hearts back together again. She thought, too, about all the people they tried to love – Teddy, Luke, Megan, Stacey, Liam, Pam – who became casualties of their love and decisions.

While they worked their way back to each other, their life and love was fraught with unfathomable pain and extraordinary joy. The concept album reflected this and was their truth as crazy and mixed up as it was. She believed, without a shadow of a doubt, that she and Deacon were a fairytale meant to be couple. That's not to say this past year was a stroll through the daisies, it was a bumpy road to say the least. Maddie's emancipation and their reaction to it tested their love and forced some reflection that they weren't prepared for. But this time, goodbye was only an intermezzo. They came out the other side stronger, more committed to one another.

There was a time when this adversity would have ripped them apart. The years without him taught her that the only path forward was with him by her side. The only peace was with him. They've been through so much, laid their souls bare before one another, that their lives were completely connected.

As much as Deacon was reluctant to do the concept album and threatened a time or two during the making of it to scrap it, when they had their own private listening party when it was done, he admitted that it helped to get those old feelings out there. He believed that it gave them a chance for a new normal and that it did more for their relationship than Dr. Voris ever could.

Yes, Rayna liked this new normal, having the man she fell in love with more than 30 years ago back - the man she always knew he could be. He was more than something…he was everything. Deacon not only penned _A_ _Life That's Good_ for her, he gave her a life that's good and she will forever, truly be blessed and grateful that goodbye was not the end, but a new beginning for them.


End file.
